[They really are so much alike. She's trying not to spiral herself. It's so obvious in hindsight. Maybe it wouldn't have ever come to this point had she not killed Vi and been left alive. If he hadn't been possessed and died himself. Somehow the dramatics bound them together in a way she's uncertain would have come about in any other situation. It forced them to bare parts of themselves to one another that would have stayed carefully guarded. To put their trust in each other, this cautious treaty turned into a bond forged in steel.
He says she's not the only one, and she has to swallow a thick lump. It's not going to be so simple, is it? She feels his resignation, a parallel to her own reservations.]
It's all right, Leon. [She says it quickly. His real name still feels strange on her tongue.] It doesn't have to change anything. I don't think it can. You've...there's things you have to take care of, aren't there?
And I'm... [She winces. Tucks her hair behind her ear, eyes cast away as shame encroaches on her edges again.] I've had feelings for someone else for a long while. Someone who isn't here.
[If he hasn't heard it already, since apparently so many people had. She'd been stunned when Aventurine of all people called her out.]
Truth be told, I haven't had a very easy time with these sorts of things. I fell for people more than once on the Eudora, and it ended in a lot of heartbreak. I was very new to this sort of thing, and I made a complete fool of myself, and I wanted very much to be in love and so I kept reading too much into things. By the end I just realized I needed to hold it back. Stop rushing, or assuming things. And with all the complications between different people's worlds it's maybe not so easy to be together anyway.
...Just this one man, I'm...I mean, you do remind me a little of him, sometimes. You're both very noble and true. [Oh god. She covers her eyes, laughing a little as the sting of tears comes on.] In so many others you're nothing alike.
I don't know. I'm sorry. I just would rather speak honestly, even this close to the end.
[ it's sort of funny -- when she interrupts him it's right along the lines of what he was going to say, too. the irony brings a little smile to his face, there and gone, and there's almost - almost a little relief. a sense of understanding.
he'd not really known or realised in regards of feelings for someone else somewhere else, but then again, he'd not really thought about it, either. those sort of things are so far back on strohl's radar that he rarely thinks of them for himself, let alone for others, that everyone's gossip and silliness here is sometimes jarring. all of the jokes about him and his own interests, about pursuance or lack thereof, are a non-starter. ]
It won't. [ change anything, that is - quiet reassurance, because it's just sort of a solidified fact. this isn't a confession, nor a rejection, but an admittance and recognition, and a graceful step past it. he might not have even come close to a realisation of such things had rosamund not brought it up first.
for rosamund, there's a love from another world, perhaps, or at least an exploration of it, an understanding of self that needs to come first. for strohl - love is not really an option. romance, feelings - maybe if he's lucky, as his parents were, but he's long resigned himself to the duty and responsibility of a noble marriage to a clemar noblewoman, for his home and his family. that's what matters to him. it's what will always matter. things look perfect on paper, except they don't. he can't afford to consider anything otherwise, can't afford anything outside of the pathway he walks for halia, and wouldn't.
there's a slight, thoughtful pause as he considers his words. ]
...Your friend sounds like a fine man, and you flatter me with the comparison. [ truly - his emotions vibrate a little with fuss, a little worry when she covers her eyes, and he shifts a little closer out of instinct to set a hand gently on her back, rubbing gently. ] And I'm impressed as ever by your character and honesty. To be sincere is never a bad thing.
We're on the same page, so... you needn't worry, your highness. [ with a smaller smile, tugged onto his mouth - it's rueful, but it's warm. ] Nor apologise. What's out in the air is out in the air. If there's anything I can do to help...
[It really isn't fair. His hand on her back, comforting her as she twists herself into a knot trying to untangle what it is she feels for him and why it breaks her heart to feel it.]
It can be. In the wrong place and time.
[She doesn't fight the touch, nor the practicality of his words. It's somehow expected that he says as much. As if they could both sense the reluctance on one another's parts, the ties they have to matters beyond the scope of this game. Some part of her still mourns it. Was it really only wrong place, wrong time? Is she putting too much stock in just a little flutter of the heart, a couple extra kindnesses?
Maybe the most humiliating part of her journey on the Eudora was finding out that not only was she clueless about what love really was, but she had been so ready to leap into it at a moment's notice. No set standards and no pause for reflection. And it left her with a bruised heart and ego alike, wondering what it was she'd done wrong.
It wasn't anyone's fault. It was just a girl who'd spent her whole life being promised a grand romance, left to sputter in the real world. The dream she'd thought she let go of still had its tenterhooks in her. She's done better this time. Didn't fling herself at Vi those first two weeks. Didn't pull Strohl closer when he embraced her, fishing for something more than what he'd offered.
Still. She's got to grow up.]
You don't have to do anything. You're wonderful just as you are. And you've been more than helpful all this time, really. I owe so much to you. I don't think...I don't know that I would have been able to reconcile things without you. At least not half so quickly.
[But it's not just about her feelings.]
So you're returning to pursue someone else too? They're very lucky, whoever they are.
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He says she's not the only one, and she has to swallow a thick lump. It's not going to be so simple, is it? She feels his resignation, a parallel to her own reservations.]
It's all right, Leon. [She says it quickly. His real name still feels strange on her tongue.] It doesn't have to change anything. I don't think it can. You've...there's things you have to take care of, aren't there?
And I'm... [She winces. Tucks her hair behind her ear, eyes cast away as shame encroaches on her edges again.] I've had feelings for someone else for a long while. Someone who isn't here.
[If he hasn't heard it already, since apparently so many people had. She'd been stunned when Aventurine of all people called her out.]
Truth be told, I haven't had a very easy time with these sorts of things. I fell for people more than once on the Eudora, and it ended in a lot of heartbreak. I was very new to this sort of thing, and I made a complete fool of myself, and I wanted very much to be in love and so I kept reading too much into things. By the end I just realized I needed to hold it back. Stop rushing, or assuming things. And with all the complications between different people's worlds it's maybe not so easy to be together anyway.
...Just this one man, I'm...I mean, you do remind me a little of him, sometimes. You're both very noble and true. [Oh god. She covers her eyes, laughing a little as the sting of tears comes on.] In so many others you're nothing alike.
I don't know. I'm sorry. I just would rather speak honestly, even this close to the end.
no subject
he'd not really known or realised in regards of feelings for someone else somewhere else, but then again, he'd not really thought about it, either. those sort of things are so far back on strohl's radar that he rarely thinks of them for himself, let alone for others, that everyone's gossip and silliness here is sometimes jarring. all of the jokes about him and his own interests, about pursuance or lack thereof, are a non-starter. ]
It won't. [ change anything, that is - quiet reassurance, because it's just sort of a solidified fact. this isn't a confession, nor a rejection, but an admittance and recognition, and a graceful step past it. he might not have even come close to a realisation of such things had rosamund not brought it up first.
for rosamund, there's a love from another world, perhaps, or at least an exploration of it, an understanding of self that needs to come first. for strohl - love is not really an option. romance, feelings - maybe if he's lucky, as his parents were, but he's long resigned himself to the duty and responsibility of a noble marriage to a clemar noblewoman, for his home and his family. that's what matters to him. it's what will always matter. things look perfect on paper, except they don't. he can't afford to consider anything otherwise, can't afford anything outside of the pathway he walks for halia, and wouldn't.
there's a slight, thoughtful pause as he considers his words. ]
...Your friend sounds like a fine man, and you flatter me with the comparison. [ truly - his emotions vibrate a little with fuss, a little worry when she covers her eyes, and he shifts a little closer out of instinct to set a hand gently on her back, rubbing gently. ] And I'm impressed as ever by your character and honesty. To be sincere is never a bad thing.
We're on the same page, so... you needn't worry, your highness. [ with a smaller smile, tugged onto his mouth - it's rueful, but it's warm. ] Nor apologise. What's out in the air is out in the air. If there's anything I can do to help...
no subject
It can be. In the wrong place and time.
[She doesn't fight the touch, nor the practicality of his words. It's somehow expected that he says as much. As if they could both sense the reluctance on one another's parts, the ties they have to matters beyond the scope of this game. Some part of her still mourns it. Was it really only wrong place, wrong time? Is she putting too much stock in just a little flutter of the heart, a couple extra kindnesses?
Maybe the most humiliating part of her journey on the Eudora was finding out that not only was she clueless about what love really was, but she had been so ready to leap into it at a moment's notice. No set standards and no pause for reflection. And it left her with a bruised heart and ego alike, wondering what it was she'd done wrong.
It wasn't anyone's fault. It was just a girl who'd spent her whole life being promised a grand romance, left to sputter in the real world. The dream she'd thought she let go of still had its tenterhooks in her. She's done better this time. Didn't fling herself at Vi those first two weeks. Didn't pull Strohl closer when he embraced her, fishing for something more than what he'd offered.
Still. She's got to grow up.]
You don't have to do anything. You're wonderful just as you are. And you've been more than helpful all this time, really. I owe so much to you. I don't think...I don't know that I would have been able to reconcile things without you. At least not half so quickly.
[But it's not just about her feelings.]
So you're returning to pursue someone else too? They're very lucky, whoever they are.